Another step…not quite a stumble

It is very frustrating. I began this blog by telling you of a lovely day which Beatrix and spent together running errands, and how it slowly caught up with me. As I got tired and had no conscious rest, I began to unravel. The following paragraph picks up in the middle of the story. Where I managed to lose the earlier page I have no idea, Another measure of ‘out-of-control.’ If I find it I’ll include another time. At this point – 02:11 AM, I have to try and beg some sleep. This will have to do…

At this point I am in full panic mode, at least on the inside. Outside I think I bluster and bustle in an annoyed and annoying way. But I am  beginning to breathe hard, and to perspire. My head is beginning to hurt; all signs that I need calm, and I’ve been hung up servicing my computer so I can’t just turn it off and go to bed, can I? (I her a faint chorus of yeses in the distance!)

I take nighttime medication, of course too late to be of use, and get into bed and 10:30. At 01:10, with no sleep, and not even finding a soothing classical station to soothe my soul, I get up and here I m. No hurting head, and no sleep in sight. As I padded through the house I found myself thinking profound and sobering thoughts. Don I really want anxiety over income tax to be my death? Is the Canada Revenue Service worth my life.?

And how close is that end? I have this image of a door in my future – cant tell if it near or far. All I have been taught, and have taught, and have believed and partially experienced, tells me that door leads to Something else, Someone else, Someplace else. So believe that…which is not the same as to say I trust that. I wonder…and when I wonder, I come back to fear and them reach for trust as a rock to hold me. ”Lord, I believe…please trust my unbelief…”But I don’t want to open that tomorrow, nor for a long time.

But sleep evades me, or do I push it away? I value these dark and quit times to share internal things with faces only some of whom I know. If you are still with me, I thank you for your patience. You will continue to need it… as will I.