Mother’s Day…it has been a long time since I
had a living mother, but my memories of her speaking and doing are still very
strong. She was a powerful influence on my early life. From the ages of 6 until
12, she was a single parent due to WW2.
Had another “upset” this week past. Sick
stomach, growly guts, no energy, retreat. I have no idea if this was related to
my current plight, but it hit me hard. It opened the doorway for depression,
which landed on me with a thump. Being without energy, and therefore unable to
actually do anything, I sank.
Thoughts of “will I ever recover the physical status I enjoyed before?” “Will
ever become focused again, or care about so many of the things that occupied me
with enthusiasm in the past?” “What value if my life this way?”
About 48 hours of this, during which I
monitored my BP to see if there was any impact. I could see none, but that didn’t
stop me from moping. I even passed up an opportunity to walk to the corner for
the mail!
Since walking is the only expression of
energy I am allowed these days, I cherish the time given to it. Oh yes, I tried
doing a little yard work on two occasions this week. They became another reason
to sink into depression. I cut the front yard grass…very small. Moved to the
back and made one circuit of the yard…larger…and was out of steam. I also was
breathing hard, which made me nervous. Ditto for pruning Juniper bushes. One,
then stop. I found it shocking to discover how much muscle tone I have lost
since stopping pool workouts in January. I am a bundle of flab. I have not
gained weight, but it has been…redistributed, and morphed into blubber.
When and f I am able to return to a full and
active life, it will take me many months, perhaps years, to regain my muscle
tone. Easier at 40…more difficult at 79…or 80. So work on being patient, and on trying to
discover meaning and value in who I am these days. That is difficult for an old
workaholic, who now has little desire to work, but who wants to feel like he
has contributed something.
Guests tonight for dinner. Simple
preparation, but I am anxious about the event. No reason; these are old friends
– a young woman with whom I worked at the Alberta Hospital, and her delightful
partner. Anxiety appears to be my current fallback position when something “new”
comes up. Injury? Or age? Sigh. More tomorrow…
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