Days go by…

The days go by, and they go…and they go down. I feel bored sometimes, and then I reflect on the quality of my life, and its finiteness…At times I experience awe, and other times fear. But I am always aware…

 Pulling grass from the gravel beds the other day, I became acutely aware of how flabby my body has become over four and one half months of enforces inactivity. My back and buttocks and hamstrings are still protesting. In response, I went for a deep-tissue massage today. It felt really good, but I was surprised that in the afternoon, my BP was uncharacteristically high. I began to wonder if somehow that was related to the massage. I may cancel my Friday appointment just in case, and talk to my physician about it.

Night times are becoming interesting. Going to sleep with nature sounds in my head is wonderful. My favorites are the rain forest – train and cackling birds, hooting owls. I also like ocean waves breaking on the shore. I conk out quickly with that in my head. If I wake up in the night, I reset the iPad to play some music. Strangely, I can’t fall asleep earlier to music. It engages me and keeps me awake. At 3:30 or 4:00, I can choose music –Cello is best – and I doze off. However…and there is a “however,” I dream and the music theme is always in the dream. I can not remember any of the dreaming so far, I just know that I’ve had an interesting night. BUT…no waking up for an hour or two. I feel like a living example of Angus’ (my grandson) paper on the effect of music on the brain. It’s strange and wonderful. Perhaps even healing.

Yesterday and today my head has hurt some of the time. This is not the same as a “headache,” it’s just that it “hurts” inside, sort of. The Doctor tells me I should lie down when this occurs, because it’s a message that the brain needs some healing time…no stimulation. No TV (I cheat with the radio…) just quiet.

How long will I live with this? The other night, while I was waiting to fall asleep, I pondered that. I might die…right now, or tomorrow in the pool, or while talking to the Cable Guy, who’s coming tomorrow AM to set us up with cable Internet and telephone. Thoughts like this aren’t helpful so far as going to sleep is concerned. I stop and listen carefully to the rain forest sounds.

As I have noticed lately, my attention span is not lengthening as fast as I’d like. Here I am, a few paragraphs in, and I’m tired and turning away from you all. Sorry. Next time…