Fears…

Another OK day. Lots of walking, some enjoyable visiting at Tim’s with a group of men. A chance to read and cook. AND…a low blood pressure reading after lunch. For some reason, lately, by post-lunch BP readings have been higher than I like 130 over ?. Today – 111!  A small triumph. I only wish I understood how come this happens the way it does. Perhaps ten I could influence it.

As I walked today, I reflected on something I have noticed recently. In the past few years, I have been seen as the “go-to-retired guy” as far as Sunday supply was concerned, all over the Presbytery. I’ve lead worship in Lacombe. Rimbey, Red Deer – nearby and neighboring communities. Now, I fear that, because of my stroke, I will be “demoted,” no longer seen a s someone who can be counted on for support. I suppose what I fear of “Retirement” in the most practical sense.

I like being important in the way I have been. Little on-going responsibility, plenty of face-time with congregations, and gratitude that I was able and willing to be “there.” Having no role will be frightening for me…IS frightening for me. I suppose I will simply have to wait until my fear is either demonstrated in reality, or does not. At the moment, simple fears like this emerge to annoy me in the process of trying to return to a somewhat normal life. I find it hard to imagine myself as a useless old man, the object of concern and pity. Sigh…