Friday? Already?

This week has flown by. Recovery has not been at the forefront of my brain at all this week. I guess that’s because I’ve been busy living. Solo workouts in the deep-water pool, driving lessons with Emma – “No wreckage…no carnage” is her evaluation – and finishing preparations for Rimbey on Sunday has occupied me. I have mostly kept up the monitoring of my blood pressure. Once or twice it was high…169. That was because I was frustrated with Beatrix because she hasn’t made any plans for her vacation break, and I could see the summer slipping by with no break happening. I got really upset about that yesterday, and my BP went up, so I talked with her last night. She’s busy making arrangements as I write. She will get away to Denver in August.

I live vacation all the time – no work, Tim’s every day, TV every night. I can wait until September when I visit Jennifer. We are already planning a few weeks in southern Saskatchewan (East End and Val Marie) next summer. A real rest for both of us.

Emma’s visit is a real boon for us. She is so bright, so warm and friendly, and so chatty and full of information that it is wonderful to have her here. Her Mom, Dad and Angus arrive next weekend, and our enjoyment will double with both siblings here for a few weeks. Plus Angus will help me alter the back yard flowerbed! It will also be wonderful to see Caley and Joe again. Once a year is not enough.

So although recovery has not been at the top of my agenda, it has been happening all the same. I am not conscious of it, but I’m doing things every day that enrich and relax my life. When the garage repair is done I will feel even better. Especially if we can pay for it. That is always my concern; although Beatrix assures me that it will not be a problem. She has been the contractor-in-chief on this. My broken brain will simply not hold all the information about it at one time; I forget and get confused, and then anxious. Way better that she is in charge! Enough for today. The electrician is coming to install a control in the garage. Later…

Another week…

The weeks are flying by. We are more than halfway through summer, and autumn is appearing on the horizon. Dies this mean I’m healthier…or sicker? My blood pressure appears to be more “normal” most of the time, than previously. I have no more anxiety attacks. My memory, however, continues to be wretched. I continue to write down the things I have to do so I don’t totally forget them.

How can one tell when recovery is complete? I feel fine, healed, ready to live as before. But I keep remembering that I am “ a brain damaged individual.” What does this mean for my day-to-day life? Are there things I should be doing? Things I shouldn’t be doing? I regularly monitor my blood pressure; I work out carefully in the pool. I’m aware that emotional upset sends my blood pressure up faster and higher than physical exercise. I forget that until I am in the middle of a rant, or an anxiety about how much the garage repair is going to cost. Then I can feel myself spiraling up. And I don’t seem to be able to do anything about it. I know that I need someone in my life to talk to about this. I talk a lot to Beatrix, but I can’ burden her with my fears all the time. I’m so sorry that Alex left the community. I could open up completely with her.

Walked about 6-8 km today. In the humidity, I perspired a good deal, but it felt good. Tomorrow is pool day, morning and evening. I can hardly wait.

I managed to finish preparation for Sunday in Rimbey, and get the stuff in the email. I’m aware that doing this is a strain. I don’t want to do it all the time. Periodically is fine. All the time, no! Does this mean I’m coming to terms with “retiring” at 78? Well, I had lunch today with the RCMP chaplain from Edmonton about being the Chaplain for the local detachment. Stalled at the moment, but I think that it will move a bit now. I have mixed feelings about it. The RCMP folks need support, and someone who can listen to them and be trusted, but I can’t say as I desire to share the somewhat right wing views of the regional Chaplain. Perhaps the local folks will be different? Fond hope. We’ll see. As Grandma Black always said: “More anon….”

Checking in…

A week between posts. I think this means that I’m feeling “normal,” or at least not particularly aware of symptoms this week. I’m going about my normal activities, strenuous and /or quiet, with in apparent awareness of anything out of order.  The one time I was made aware of my short-term memory problem, was when I phoned to make a massage appointment. I hadn’t looked in my date book, so I had “forgotten” that I had an appointment for the following day. The Chiropractor had suggested I have a massage before I come back to him in two weeks, and I was getting at it like a good doo-bee.

It was when the therapist asked me if I’d forgotten that I was coming tomorrow, that I opened my book, and there it was. Mildly embarrassing, and also a good reminder that my damaged brain is still showing its effects.

When the Dr. asked me about my Blue Cross card, I remember feeling totally blank inside. Do I have a Blue Cross card? Where is it? What have I done with it? At home, Beatrix assured me that I was a Blue Cross Senior member, but I had no clue about the card. We were about to phone them for anther card, when I had one of those nighttime memories. Just as I was settling down for the night, I “remembered” where I probably placed the card for safekeeping. Sure, enough, in the morning, there It was! So my memory fails regularly, and I need to keep track of that. It’s a useful reminder of the damage to my brain.

I’ve been frustrated recently that no one has been showing up for Tues/Thurs evening deep-water classes. So I bought my own float belt, and plasticized the workout regime contained in the booklet, and I’ve been going to the pool on my own to work out on those nights. I usually manage 40 minutes before I get too bored. But it is a start, and when the folks come back in the fall, I’ll be ready for them!

The work on the garage continues, only now there is a clear path to completion, and the end is actually I sight. When it’s done, the need for a hosing out of the garage will be imperative, and I’m glad I have the power washer, even if it takes awhile to use it.

I found preparing for next Sunday somewhat easier, being a bit more willing and able to focus on work for longer periods of time. However, this is the clearest indication that I shouldn’t try working steadily again. I don’t have the energy or focus for it. My mind wanders off, or wants to, after a short time. It’s a new experience for me, uncomfortable, and apparently persistent. I realize that I have to accommodate to it: it isn’t going away any time soon.

Quiet day ahead of me. Perhaps I’ll go to the pool to watch the swim meet; first, I’ll go back to bed. Great luxury, that, at 8:40 on a Saturday morning.

Another learning…

I had an interesting and instructive experience on Friday evening. The back story: I have been involved in planning a wedding with a couple of delightful young people for almost two years. The wedding is early in August this summer. Everything is all arranged – rehearsal, service, banquet. Beatrix and I were treating it as a big date!

Then, yesterday, we got a call that some of our family were arriving on that Friday, and staying just two or three days. I couldn’t skip the rehearsal, but I could skip the banquet in order to spend time with them. That’s what I did, in consultation with the bride. I was disappointed, because I have looking forward to this for many months. After all the texting and emailing had been done, I went upstairs, calmly, and took my BP. It was 166 over 58 – very high. I was surprised, but on reflection I realized that such emotional upsets, which scarcely show on the outside, have a HUGE effect on me. I can exercise without a problem; I respond to emotional upsets with an elevated BP. I KNEW that, but now I “know” that a whole lot better.

The small things…

The recovery process seems to have slowed, or even be indistinguishable from ‘normal’ life these days. Exercising is not stressful and doesn’t appear to affect my BP. I have very few headaches, especially if I honour the need o become horizontal after lunch for even a few minutes.

I do get frustrated with the degree of forgetfulness that I continue to experience. The Doctor says that will improve, but I am not so sure. Once an act is done, it just ‘falls off the table’ and is “in the past.” My reading ability seems fine, except for the nagging problem of a shortened attention span. I can’t read anything for too long a time. In the evening it is much worse if I am tired. Last evening, I was cruising through FB, and came across a number of interesting articles. The best I could do was read part of an article…and then move on. No sustained focus seemed possible.

In a similar vein, I seem to have trouble gathering and arranging complex and unfamiliar facts in a way that makes them coherent. Trying to get straight what the engineer and the contractor are working about the garage keeps me totally on edge. I understand it…and then I don’t understand it. I’m glad Beatrix is masterminding this. I don’t think I could manage it without huge frustration.

The other periodic impact of the stroke is the Periodic Wakeful Night. Every week or so, I find myself unaccountably awake at night. Nothing on my mind, just awake. Wednesday night last, it was the whole night. I lay and listened to the radio, I got up and read, I blogged…and I watched dawn slowly creep over the world. About 8 in the morning, I felt limp. That passed, and I made it through the day OK. Last night, I was in bed early, and went immediately to sleep. I awoke around one thirty in the morning. The experience of waking was like surfacing after a very need dive. I ‘broke the surface’ of consciousness, and then looked around to see if anyone else had made it. There was Beatrix, sleeping like a baby. I slept again, off and on, until I rose at five to start my day.

I don’t notice my narrowed peripheral vision, but then, it hasn’t been challenged lately. We’ll see. My creaky body needs a chiropractor – next week – after the jolting I got missing a step at the B&B in Edmonton last month.

Sermon day today. I have been able, slowly, to focus attention on worship preparation. It is difficult, however. I have one in the can, just in case I can’t keep it together to finish my own idea compilation. See you soon!

Subtle…dangerous

OK…BP normal or less most of the time…in the pool four or five times a week…lots of walking…no anxiety attacks for a number of weeks. Recovered? …NO? Really…?

This is my temptation. I feel good most of the time that I forget “I am a brain damaged person.” Then I attempt to carry bags of salt for water softener into the house, and only when Emma (17) intervenes and does it do I realize that I’m not supposed to lift heavy things. Or I attempt to watch a fast paced, British version of Sherlock, and can’t really catch all the dialogue, or follow the rapid logic of the plot…. Or I listen to the contractor explaining the intricacies of concrete diagnosis and repair and come away completely confused…hmmm…”a brain damaged person…”

I guess recovery continues, with more subtle manifestations of the injury, and I’m not carefully enough attuned to these to catch them. Glad for Emma’s intervention, and the time to ponder the TV show, and can count on Beatrix to at least remember everything the contractor said.

It comes down to the fact that these are the hard days, when everything seems fine, but risk is still there, and care must be taken even when I feel guilty for not carrying the salt, and stupid for not following the plot, and incompetent when I can’t remember the contractor’s words. “I am a brain damaged person”…still. Always, now.