It has now been almost seven months since I suffered the
stroke. All my medical support people tell me that I’m doing very well,
recovering nicely. It’s very reassuring…until I begin monitoring my body more
closely as I go through my day. I notice many deficits that they pass over or
minimize in their evaluations.
I get short of breath when I walk my 3.5 km quickly. At
times, my eyesight seems fuzzy. My memory lapses continue to be embarrassing and
unpredictable. My sleep is broken for no reason, or I can’t drift off in a reasonable
time.
Now, none of these are life threatening, but they are life style threatening. My personal physician thinks the shortness of
breath may be due to the narrowing neck of my aortic value. Investigation and potential
heart surgery appears to be in my near future. The fuzzy eyes will send me back
to the optometrist to have my eyes tested again, to see if there has been
deterioration, or if my imagination runs away with me. For memory? I need to
write virtually everything down so it doesn’t get lost in the heat of the
moment.
All of which begs the question of “recovery.” Of course I am
better. I walk every day, work out in the deep water three or four time weekly.
I read as long as I can, and work on Sunday stuff enough to prepare, although
my focus time is shorter, and it tires me more.
Moat of the deficits are so internal that only I would
notice them. Although, realistically, anyone who spends any amount of time with
me will notice little ways in which my “brain-damaged” state reveals itself. I
write all this to remind myself that I am different, though the same person. Expectations
that I lay on myself are frequently unreasonable, and catch myself scolding me
over things that I can’t or don’t do. “Remember…you are a brain damaged person!”
This can certainly be used as an excuse for things that are unpleasant, but I
try not to do that…much. I will need lots of serenity to accept the things I
cannot change as I live into what future there is for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment