This morning I conducted worship and preached at my spouse's church. Yes, she is a minister. Like me. Only quite different. The congregation that sponsored her when she went into ministry is having their 50th anniversary, and she wanted to attend. I offered to fill in for her so she could go. For me, it was a loving gift, and it had a cost.
I was very nervous about doing this, because I feel so ambivalent about her congregation. I have felt that since before we moved here. In the letter they sent her confirming the "call to their pulpit," They made it clear that they were calling her and not me. At one level I completely understood that statement. I had profile in the Conference. Because of my teaching position in the Health Care system, I was somebody of some importance. They simply outlined the boundaries.
At another level, I felt quite distanced by that sentence, even rejected. I was hurt that they thought they had to even say such a thing. Did they not think I would be aware of that issue? So from the start, I felt apart from them. In the almost nine years we have been here, I have had very little to do with them. I attend worship from time to time, but I have worked enough that this has not been a regular thing. I did some "supply preaching" for them when Beatrix had her surgery a couple of years ago. They paid me, as they should. This weekend, i did it for her, and I don't expect them to compensate me. I'm sure they will not offer.
My ambivalence toward them has increased over the years. I feel they treat my spouse badly. She gets very little feedback from them, and almost no positive feedback. They rarely thank her for anything. They are also quick to criticize her work. It situations where she needs support, her Council rarely supports her. I easily become annoyed with them. So I was nervous this morning, not sure if I really wanted to be there, but sure that I wanted to support my spouse.
I'm actually relieved that so few people read this blog, because I use it - like today - for very personal musings. I actually don't want the world to know about me. Whoever reads this should be aware that I am quite raw when I write, and I hold you as special; you are my confidant. I have to trust you. This is not easy for me.
Although I can be very outgoing and seem quite extroverted, I am actually a very deep introvert. I share little of myself with people. I grind my gears privately, and put a good face on it. Perhaps some of you are like that. I hope so, because you might understand and appreciate what I have written.
There are times when I feel that someone who has reached my "advanced years" ought to have all this figured out and be ,ore at peace with it. Not me. I may be old, but I do not feel wise. Only experienced. And old. I will be glad when Beatrix comes home tomorrow. I miss her a lot when she is away. She is a huge part of my world. Enough already!
I was very nervous about doing this, because I feel so ambivalent about her congregation. I have felt that since before we moved here. In the letter they sent her confirming the "call to their pulpit," They made it clear that they were calling her and not me. At one level I completely understood that statement. I had profile in the Conference. Because of my teaching position in the Health Care system, I was somebody of some importance. They simply outlined the boundaries.
At another level, I felt quite distanced by that sentence, even rejected. I was hurt that they thought they had to even say such a thing. Did they not think I would be aware of that issue? So from the start, I felt apart from them. In the almost nine years we have been here, I have had very little to do with them. I attend worship from time to time, but I have worked enough that this has not been a regular thing. I did some "supply preaching" for them when Beatrix had her surgery a couple of years ago. They paid me, as they should. This weekend, i did it for her, and I don't expect them to compensate me. I'm sure they will not offer.
My ambivalence toward them has increased over the years. I feel they treat my spouse badly. She gets very little feedback from them, and almost no positive feedback. They rarely thank her for anything. They are also quick to criticize her work. It situations where she needs support, her Council rarely supports her. I easily become annoyed with them. So I was nervous this morning, not sure if I really wanted to be there, but sure that I wanted to support my spouse.
I'm actually relieved that so few people read this blog, because I use it - like today - for very personal musings. I actually don't want the world to know about me. Whoever reads this should be aware that I am quite raw when I write, and I hold you as special; you are my confidant. I have to trust you. This is not easy for me.
Although I can be very outgoing and seem quite extroverted, I am actually a very deep introvert. I share little of myself with people. I grind my gears privately, and put a good face on it. Perhaps some of you are like that. I hope so, because you might understand and appreciate what I have written.
There are times when I feel that someone who has reached my "advanced years" ought to have all this figured out and be ,ore at peace with it. Not me. I may be old, but I do not feel wise. Only experienced. And old. I will be glad when Beatrix comes home tomorrow. I miss her a lot when she is away. She is a huge part of my world. Enough already!
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