Recovery and divesting…

The process of change continues. Today, I walked for 50 minutes…at too fast a pace, so my knees complained all day after that. It seems I never learn. A slower pace would accomplish what I need without causing me pain, yet I still pace myself to quickly. Where am I trying to go?

The most difficult thing this week has been the task of sorting books and divesting myself of many of them. I made one or two mistakes in sorting last week, and so lost a couple of books that I wanted to keep. I find packing books into boxes incredibly stressful. Tonight, I packed one box – many of the books I had purchased but not yet read. Afterward, I felt distressed and anxious, for the rest of the evening. I couldn’t face packing more books right at the moment.

I tried processing the feelings, and have come to the tentative conclusion that I define myself, at least partly, by the books I possess, either the quantity or the quality. I intend to read books, so I buy them, and then I get distracted, and they don’t get read. But I feel good about possessing them. Watching them vanish off my shelves raises all kinds of anxieties in me, and feelings of “unworthiness,” or “valueless.” Weird. Most of them I never would have read at tis point in my life. Some of them date back to 1965, and I did read them. Packing them away, likely for the dump or recycling, is like discarding old friends. I say to myself, “This is a really good book.” I should be saying, “This was a really good book.” A forty year old book has likely been surpassed in research or thinking, and so it isn’t valuable any longer. Casting them aside gives me such pain!

I had no idea that “changing my lifestyle” would involve such painful activity. I need to slow it down, for the sake of mental health. I need to focus on walking and balancing my diet, slowing down and relaxing a bit.

I had a good talk with Jeff today, and I have enlisted him for the cleaning of the garage floor, a task, which I cannot do with the restrictions, the Cardiologist has put on my activity. Jeff may have to return the Philippines in order to properly process his emigration. I really hope his appeal is successful. He has become a life-saving resource for activities that I cannot do. I would miss h9im terribly. He is such a great neighbor, one who actually lives out what he believes!

May is coming, and I have a number of matters to conclude in that month. The garage is one of them, the books are another. Part of May will be taken up with Beatrix’ vacation time – five days in Denver at her sister’s, and then a week of day-tripping to Edmonton – Art Gallery, Museums, walking the river paths. I hope I can get into that time, rather than fussing about what I have ahead of me – another stress test to ‘fine tune’ my heart medication, and cataract surgery in Fort Saskatchewan (a two-hour drive away). One step at a time…