Old monsters…

Recently, I have been feeling that my concern with recovering from the stroke was getting a bit boring and repetitive. I have been thinking of moving in different directions with this blog. However, just over the past week, I have become aware of how the sharp symptoms of brain damage continue to plague me, just in new ways and arenas.

The past week has been a busy one in our house, my minister-spouse was frantically busy, with three funerals, a handful of nursing home and Lodge worship services, preparation for Sunday’s activities, plus a four hour evening meeting I a nearly city on Friday evening. All through this, we have each been planning a trip away, starting tomorrow, Wednesday. She travels to none city for a week-ling workshop, while I travel to another for an 18n visit with family.

In the midst of all this, a number of old symptoms have surfaced in fresh ways. Let me begin with memory problems. I have become quite dependent on my spouse to “back me up” if I forget something. She reminds me. As I prepare to leave, and go through the packing routine, I started days early, fearing that I would forget something. She was busy enough that he backup was largely unavailable for me. I found myself writing little notes to myself, rushing to put items near my suitcase so they would not be forgotten. I became freshly aware of how damaged my memory is. An example: we purchased our tickets some weeks ago. Beatrix put them in the top drawer of her desk, and carefully pointed this out to me, even showing me, so that I would remember this. Two days ago, when she was away and occupied, I began to panic, since I had no idea where the ticket was. I was upset until she came home to “remind”me.

The memory loss issue then spotlights another recovery issue: anxiety attacks. Earlier, I became anxious in “large” groups of people – 4 or more. That passed, and began to feel somewhat free of it. However, when my memory blanks occur, and I am uncertain about anything, I become generally anxious, and sometimes highly so, feeling adrift and lost without an anchor to tell me where things are, or hen they are happening.  This has an impact of my sleep pattern as well. If I retire with things on my mind about which I am uncertain, I remain hyper, and awake, for quite awhile before by brain can relax and let me sleep.

So suddenly I am realizing that the anxiety pattern that affected small person gatherings is still there, now affecting the whole sweep of my life. It’s like I have to learn to trust my brain and shattered memory all over again. A new start in a new arena, against the same old monsters. Another learning, another challenge, and this one coming at a time when I will be apart from my major support for over two weeks. I can feel my anxiety climb even as I write that. I guess we’ll just have to see…