Ottawa visit

It’s October 31, Hallowe’en day! I’m sitting in daughter Jennifer’s dining room in Ottawa, looking out at a dark and sodden sky, from which rain has been falling all day. The promise is that the rain will become heavier as evening comes on, so that costumed children going door to door will be soaked to the skin.  The daylong dark sky reminds me of one the reasons I left Ottawa. Three of four consecutive days like this, and I would be depressed out of my mind!

I’ve been visiting here for two weeks now. I will return home on Sunday, arriving in the late afternoon (in time to watch Battle of the Blades!) Staying such a long stretch has been good in many ways. I’ve been able to spend more time with Jennifer, as she takes breaks between endless reams of translation work. I’ve had a number of really good conversations with grandson Raphael over dinner, which we usually eat together, as Jennifer is out at her daily workout. Managed to have one restaurant dinner with all four grandsons – something I’ve never managed previously!  I’ve also had some serious conversation with Diego about his future endeavors. I even managed a lunch meeting with Gabriel, the boys’ father. We hadn’t met or talked face to face in many years. It was a nice, low-key connection. Perhaps I can continue that  in the future.

This eighteen-day visit constitutes my vacation for the year. Although I have no paid employment, I am kept busy at home with household responsibilities – shopping and cooking mostly. I miss these activities when I am away, and have, in fact, cooked for Jennifer and Rapha on three occasions while here! It gave me a real sense of “contribution” to Jennifer’s busy work life to do this for her and her son.

I have walked over an hour each day while here, mostly to Cafes for a latte or a bun. Tramping the New Edinburgh streets took me back almost 30 years, when we lived and worked here. So much about this old area is charming. But when it rains in the autumn…the sidewalks are soggy underfoot with bundles of wet leaves. The skies, as I have mentioned are gloomy and dark, and when added to the gloomy and depressing political situation in our Capital, the total effect is extremely cheerless.

There has been some real learning for me, as I get to know my grandsons as adult males, or advanced teenagers, rather than little boys. They all have plans for education and growth, and each of them displays a slightly different personality, although they clearly are brothers. There was considerable joy for me watching them talk together, for it had been some months since they last met alone. I feel a sense of pride as I think of them as, in a partial way, my progeny.

There are still a couple of gatherings to be had, and hopefully some time at the end of Diego’s tattooing gun! I think I will return home with a real sense of satisfaction that my visit and vacation were both worthwhile for me.

Vacation moments…

Over a week now in Ottawa. Autumn weather – sun, wind, spitting rain, and “brisk” nigh time temperatures. Plus the usual complaining bout winter coming. Staying with Jennifer for two weeks means that I get to see a lot more of her in between long sessions of work. My God, she works hard and long. No soft life for the translator under a deadline.

I see Rapha every day, usually before he rushes off to work, and after work before he works out. No sign of Mel this week…I’m not sure if that’s usual or strange. I just haven’t seen her around.

The other night, Rapha, Diego and Jenifer were out for dinner and gelato afterwards. Had a long and serious talk about strokes and their impact, as well as about the Masonic Lodge. Diego is meeting with a Mason locally to discuss a relationship with the Lodge. Looks lie this afternoon, I’ll be hooking up with the two of them to go coat shopping for Diego at VV or Mark’s Work Wearhouse. He needs a warm coat.

Recovery is really good here in Ottawa. BP remains constant in the 130’s, and even with lots of walking I experience no other trouble. I’ve put miles on my new shoes, but have eaten red-light stuff in every Cafe. Very interesting reading about T.E. Lawrence in Arabia around the turn of the 20^th century. The idiocy of British war planners sticks out all over the place. A quarter million Brits killed at Gallipoli, when a landing further along the peninsula could have been achieved by maybe 10000 men!

Had an interesting evening yesterday. I had heard (on CBC) about a folk concert at Southminster Church last night, sponsored by Babes4Breasts, a breast cancer charity. It caught my attention because one of the performers – James Keelahan – is a favorite of mine. Bought a ticket online, and took the bus around to the venue. The Church was huge, and it filled up totally. Of course, it was a quarter hour late in starting. The music was terrific, and Keelahan was great, as was Lyndell somebody, who played guitar and sand, and then played a magic and mean violin. I left at the interval, because it was already coming up on ten and I had a 45 minute bus ride to get home. And that’s when the really interesting part of the evening began. At the bus stop, there was a woman talking to a young fellow in an animated way. When we got on the bus, she sat with me, and began talking in the same manner; manic, passionate, but also focused and intelligent. I learned a lot about her, including that she is a psych outpatient. Certainly of the more intelligent and articulate kind. I learned about her website (gobatty.ca), about her political opinions and about her divorce. She offered to give me a ride home, even though we were on the bus. I declined, and she boarded her bus and was off.

Just as she left, a young woman presented herself to, squatted down, buying bus tickets from a fellow. Turns out she was the same 20+ year old with whom I talked at length in the Bridgehead Cafe earlier in then day. We struck up another conversation, and chatted all the way to my stop. Interesting kid; 20 something, in a relationship with a Nicaraguan guy. They are buying property in Nicaragua, (with whose money, I wondered) and plan to move there and live “the simple life, away from corporate influence.” Terrifically idealistic youngster, Scottish background “way back,” as well as aboriginal “way back.” I urged her to chase down those roots (to get a better handle on her own identity, I thought), but she seemed only vaguely interested in that.

Suddenly, it was my stop, and after a quick hug, I was out into the night, two blocks from home. I wonder…will I see her at Bridgehead again this week? Wow, some vacation…

Vacant time…lovely

Friday…Sitting in Jennifer’s dining room in Ottawa, my “home” since Wednesday. So far, have had decent conversations with Rapha and Mel, helped Jennifer pick up a really nice office chair, a blessing for her back as she works long hours at her desk, and managed to catch Nico to begin making plans to see the Aylmer grandsons. It does appear that we’ll manage dinner out with Diego tonight. Perhaps that will start the arrangements for a tattooing session!

Many things rush back at me in Ottawa. The dampness of the air, and the different kind of chill that damp air brings. Running errands in a sprawling city eats up hours! You forget that when you live in a little place, and can get anywhere in five or ten minutes. To run two errands took us most of the middle of the day.

Had a chance to visit with Rapha and Mel last evening. She is very shy, but talked a bit to me in a general way.

Good sleep last night…Friday night. Twenty-five minute walk to a different coffee place. Good latte, and a long conversation with a local couple about vacation spots in Saskatchewan…really. Think Cypress Hills, East End, Val Marie and Grasslands National Park. Restful, friendly, and inexpensive. My kind of break!

Plan for tonight: dinner out with Diego and Rapha and Jennifer. Got to start making plans for tattoos. Surprise! BP remains level and low while here. And today I’ve walked over an hour and a half…in light rain.

Sunday afternoon…Great visit with the boys last night. Super Vietnamese food, with gelato later. Today was crisp and windy. Walked for a couple of hours, market snooping and coffee slurping. Home for the night.

You can likely surmise that this vacation is exactly the kind of unstructured break that I hoped for. More another day!

Old monsters…

Recently, I have been feeling that my concern with recovering from the stroke was getting a bit boring and repetitive. I have been thinking of moving in different directions with this blog. However, just over the past week, I have become aware of how the sharp symptoms of brain damage continue to plague me, just in new ways and arenas.

The past week has been a busy one in our house, my minister-spouse was frantically busy, with three funerals, a handful of nursing home and Lodge worship services, preparation for Sunday’s activities, plus a four hour evening meeting I a nearly city on Friday evening. All through this, we have each been planning a trip away, starting tomorrow, Wednesday. She travels to none city for a week-ling workshop, while I travel to another for an 18n visit with family.

In the midst of all this, a number of old symptoms have surfaced in fresh ways. Let me begin with memory problems. I have become quite dependent on my spouse to “back me up” if I forget something. She reminds me. As I prepare to leave, and go through the packing routine, I started days early, fearing that I would forget something. She was busy enough that he backup was largely unavailable for me. I found myself writing little notes to myself, rushing to put items near my suitcase so they would not be forgotten. I became freshly aware of how damaged my memory is. An example: we purchased our tickets some weeks ago. Beatrix put them in the top drawer of her desk, and carefully pointed this out to me, even showing me, so that I would remember this. Two days ago, when she was away and occupied, I began to panic, since I had no idea where the ticket was. I was upset until she came home to “remind”me.

The memory loss issue then spotlights another recovery issue: anxiety attacks. Earlier, I became anxious in “large” groups of people – 4 or more. That passed, and began to feel somewhat free of it. However, when my memory blanks occur, and I am uncertain about anything, I become generally anxious, and sometimes highly so, feeling adrift and lost without an anchor to tell me where things are, or hen they are happening.  This has an impact of my sleep pattern as well. If I retire with things on my mind about which I am uncertain, I remain hyper, and awake, for quite awhile before by brain can relax and let me sleep.

So suddenly I am realizing that the anxiety pattern that affected small person gatherings is still there, now affecting the whole sweep of my life. It’s like I have to learn to trust my brain and shattered memory all over again. A new start in a new arena, against the same old monsters. Another learning, another challenge, and this one coming at a time when I will be apart from my major support for over two weeks. I can feel my anxiety climb even as I write that. I guess we’ll just have to see…

Me and the outside world

Each day, my attention swings around to my BP monitor when it comes time to sit down and check the pressure. It seems to rise significantly when I am internally concerned about something. The “something” can be a very large item, like the latest retrograde move on the part of our Federal government in the process of limiting our democracy, or a small thing like “what should I pack”?” If the anxiety is internal, my BP climbs to unhealthy heights. I find myself using June’s deep breathing exercises to bring the BP down. In a way, that’s cheating, trying to get a good mark when I’m tested.  My solution is to walk more, work out more, and keep my mind focused on things I can control.

More and more, I’m finding, the impact of the outside world is what proves unhealthy for me. The news undoes me more than anything. I get so distressed at the actions of my own government! That the present Conservatives tallied only 22% of the registered voters in Canada, and still got elected, is a fact that infuriates me. Of course, that includes the vast numbers of people who simply didn’t vote. I think the voting population was something like 61%. Harper got considerably less that half of that, yet he is PM! Clearly, we need a change in the electoral system. However, a government that can manage to be elected with only 22% of those who voted is not going to change the system, because they can only lose by it. A more democratic system would give them far less power.

Which is exactly what raises my blood pressure. . My fear…especially when I’m feeling anxious…is that slowly we’ll slide from being a parliamentary democracy to being a sort of republic, with a single powerful leader, and a circle of advisers (Cabinet) to do the background work. I fantasize that Harper would lay out a completely cool and rational reason for limiting elections – they are soooo expensive! – so that we’d have one every 6, 8 or even 10 years. Chavez in Venezuela did something like that.

I know, I know: “That could never happen in Canada!” Really? As long as people are kept focused only on the economy – the Conservative’s current strategy – we’ll all keep watching how most of us get richer…while a lot get poorer. Who cares about democracy when you are busy paying off a house, two vehicles, a Fifth wheel, a boat and a pair of snowmobiles? This is the Canadian dream-life, at least here in central Alberta.

I don’t know how bad it has to get before people wake up and realize that things have changed drastically. Niggardly Conservative values have suddenly become Canadian values. Note; These are the values of the current incarnation of the Conservative Party of Canada, not necessarily the values of truly conservative folk who seek stability and a handle on the good things from our communal past.

Somehow, for me, “recovery” in the personal sense needs to be tied to things that I can actually DO to influence this kind of negative slide in our nation. I need to write letters to the Editor more often. I’ve written to my MP and the PM. Neither has responded with anything more than a duplicated copy of the latest Press release. It’s a waste of time. Our current government is not interested in what the citizenry has to say. They appear to care only for what their favourite Corporations have to say – Big Oil at the top of the list.

Now I have to go take my BP. Guess what I’m going to find out? See you…hopefully.

A normal Monday evening…

It’s been a while…Life hasn’t been that busy, but I have been preoccupied. Adjusting to a new workout schedule in the pool, having health problems…recurring bladder trouble. Appointment with the Urologist coming up. This “factoid” lets you in on a secret: These kind of problems are routine for the elderly…the golden age senior…Old People. Get ready!

Fussing about such stuff also pushes up my blood pressure. Worrying about that isn’t helpful. Distraction works best, so I go to the pool, walk, read, or write. Better than fussing.

We went to a wine tasting party the other night, sponsored by the local library. It was a fun evening, except that it was wasted on me. Not being a wine drinker, all the reds tasted basically the same to me. “A hint of heather, with overtones of pepper and a base of chocolate…” only makes me want to giggle. I’m going to tell the librarian that I really want to support these ventures, but not by drinking. Give a menial back-room job, like cleaning up afterward, or printing tickets. I’ll do it gladly, but drinking wine and trying to evaluate it? Not a chance. I’d just as soon grade different types of concrete!

I wasn’t feeling too well that evening, and the bladder problem gave me a gut ache, so I left early and walked home. It wasn’t too cold, so the walk helped. Poor Beatrix! She had to leave her car and bum a ride home; she’d enjoyed that last couple of offerings so much that she felt tipsy!

We had a lovely celebratory day on Saturday, Beatrix’ birthday. Prezzies, dinner out and flowers. I think she really enjoyed it. Me too. I enjoy other people’s birthdays almost more than my own, because I can do something to make it a nice time for them.

Next week is municipal election time in Ponoka…all over central Alberta, in fact. We’ll get a new mayor, and likely a whole new council. It’s a bit scary, thinking of a whole bunch of people running the place who have no experience at it. There are two very different factions running, and I’ve been trying to suss out which group would be best for our community. We need some fresh ideas, as well as some wisdom in implementing them. I have to vote in the advance poll, since I’ll be away on the real election day, on October 23.

At least I can think about this level of politics without sending my BP up. Federal level…no chance. I get crazy watching our PM and his goons turn Canada into a fascist state with a demagogue at its head. See what I mean? Blood Pressure already climbing. I think I’ll go and watch TV. Until next time…