I am sitting at the conclusion of 24 hours of stress and humiliation. Sounds melodramatic, right? Let me try and summmarize it for you, using discreet language. Thursday afternoon, I began to have major problems with the passing of water. The problem: most of what I passed was bloody…then blood, period. Then, less, then little, then none. As you might guess, this is bad news. There ensued a mad dash to the hospital, an agonized (literally) wait for attention, and then gradual releif. End of story…should be. But not so. From then on, the problem was with catheters malfunctioning, or not functioning at all. This still goes on, although I am home and trying to cope with this dilemma without professional help.
Let me close the curtain on the gory…and otherwise…details. My point, this time around, is to share with you some of my reflections on this aspect of aging and mortality. Through the day, I have mused about the reality of failing attempts to preserve one's dignity and decorum in a situation where this becomes impossible. The only recourse is to suck it up and "be there" in the midst of embarrassment. I'm sure that some of you have experienced this, and endured it, more then once. It is a powerful reminder that most of what we use to make ourselves feel important and 'above it all' is artificial and, ultimately, bogus.
Facing our own humanity in terms of bodily functions that don't function and exposed nakedness in unusual situations is a daunting task. During the day, I had a vivid recall of a TV sketch by Joan Rivers many decades ago. It concerned people you meet in the gynacologist's office. The most hilarious and revealing segment concerned seeing, through the door left partially open while the MD stepped out to get a nurse, an old high school beau, there to pick up his spouse. He comes to the door with a cheery "Hi Joanie, haven't seen you in ages!" Her response is delivered through her knees, raised high because her feet are in the stirrups!
I don't minimize the shame and embarrassment of this moment for 'Joanie,' but I freshly appreciated her internal response: "I was surprised that he remembered what I looked like…down there. I guess I haven't changed as much as I thought!" From the outside, it is funny. From the inside, what shred of dignity is left a person?
I shared that feeling more than once today, and deeply appreciated the calm professionalism of the three nurses that dealt with me over time; two women and one man. All were superb…and i loved them for it. One was a student…could have been my grandchild…very cool and crisp. Thank God.
Another subject of my reflection concerns the health care system in this province. It is supposedly a cut above many others, but I'm doubting that on a number of fronts. The drive to save money is blatant, and seems to be done at the expense of the patient…or client, to use the current euphemism for people in distress who are at your mercy! A hospital stay of four days, announced before the procedure, suddenly becomes three because the Unit closes for the weekend (to save money), and if you are sick enough (ie at death's door), they will transfer you to another unit. The first day at home (really the fourth day of hospital needs) is miserable because it is clear that you continue to need hat only the hospital can provide.
Staffing in ER is another obvious place to save money. The local hospital has two staff on in ER at night, with up to ten"clients" is EZ boy chairs around the halls, in cubby holes and corners. All examining rooms are full by midnight, and new patients are examined on the fly. The two staff are simply running, holding crises, minor and major, at bay until the end of their shift. Apart from the lack of privacy, and absence of a caring presence, there is always the weird woman who talks on her cell phone in ear shattering stage whisper about some body's breast tumour!
My current experience was of a night in an examining room, made as comfortable as possible with warm blankets and soft light provided by a X-ray reader on the wall.Staff were not around all night, but I did sleep a bit. All this because to admit me would commit the institution to bed care, and take money from a nursing budget. Dollars again. Freely, but surreptitiously acknowledged by the staff, who carry the burden an take the flak. No wonder they have those stern posters all over the waiting room about the 'Consequences of Abusing Staff,' ranging from banishment to the end of the line (surely a calming gesture) to arrest and expulsion. Like…take your misery somewhere else,where someone will actually care! Well, no one ever says that, but the posters do, and they keep even the most frustrate patient silent and fuming. Good for the blood pressure and gastric juices, I'm sure. Good for the prayer life as well, if you are so inclined: "O God, I hope they come soon…" Or, "How long will this hell last? And what have I done to deserve this?" Non prayers shrug on a jacket over their all-access gown and step out into a) rain, b) snow, c)wind, d) -27°. This IS Alberta after all, and not South Carolina!
Opposition parties in Alberta are always bleating about the money the government is wasting on health care, or rather IN health care. I can tell you, it isn't at the level of 'here i come through the door in deep distress, scared out of my wits and needing comfort and an ear as much or more than a pill and catheter…although a catheter that worked was nice in my case.
I did not reflect on God today. I FELT that God was far away in theological terms, and very IMMANENT in young bodies and brains that actually cared about me, and discussed running while trying insert a BIGGER catheter! (As what a "20" i the next time you are in ER. It will put your stress in perspective.
I was treated very well by the people I came in contact with. They talked to me, they listened to me, they treated me like the human I am, and they did their best. Of course, being me (some of you will understand and appreciate that caveat), I harboured all the potential worse case scenarios possible, and I had my secret weapon if I was pushed to the proverbial wall: "I worked with Chris Eagle years ago!" Dr. Chris Eagle is the Top Banana of Alberta Health. We were on an Ethics committee together int he 90's. Like, he'll remember me like a brother, right? Ad will want "something done"! Even though the latest Alberta scandal has to do with hotshots jumping the cue.I hug this weapon that I could never, and would never use. But it helps keep my sense of agency in place. "Just push me too far, Doc, or I'll lower the boom an ya!"
In the end ( so far) I have come aw wit great appreciation for nursing skills in the grotty areas of bodily care, and at my own incompetence here, as well as my terror of uncontrolled body functions not doing hat i want them to do. When I finish this I am going to write tho that self-same Chris Eagle and comment "my" nurses in Wetaskiwin by name and give them the plaudits they deserve. The crap I'm sure they hear regularly.
Well, it is after midnight - another day is upon us - and I haven't slept in this one yet. My catheter appears to be working, so I crash. Day one of Humility 101 is over. Day two could begin at any time!
Let me close the curtain on the gory…and otherwise…details. My point, this time around, is to share with you some of my reflections on this aspect of aging and mortality. Through the day, I have mused about the reality of failing attempts to preserve one's dignity and decorum in a situation where this becomes impossible. The only recourse is to suck it up and "be there" in the midst of embarrassment. I'm sure that some of you have experienced this, and endured it, more then once. It is a powerful reminder that most of what we use to make ourselves feel important and 'above it all' is artificial and, ultimately, bogus.
Facing our own humanity in terms of bodily functions that don't function and exposed nakedness in unusual situations is a daunting task. During the day, I had a vivid recall of a TV sketch by Joan Rivers many decades ago. It concerned people you meet in the gynacologist's office. The most hilarious and revealing segment concerned seeing, through the door left partially open while the MD stepped out to get a nurse, an old high school beau, there to pick up his spouse. He comes to the door with a cheery "Hi Joanie, haven't seen you in ages!" Her response is delivered through her knees, raised high because her feet are in the stirrups!
I don't minimize the shame and embarrassment of this moment for 'Joanie,' but I freshly appreciated her internal response: "I was surprised that he remembered what I looked like…down there. I guess I haven't changed as much as I thought!" From the outside, it is funny. From the inside, what shred of dignity is left a person?
I shared that feeling more than once today, and deeply appreciated the calm professionalism of the three nurses that dealt with me over time; two women and one man. All were superb…and i loved them for it. One was a student…could have been my grandchild…very cool and crisp. Thank God.
Another subject of my reflection concerns the health care system in this province. It is supposedly a cut above many others, but I'm doubting that on a number of fronts. The drive to save money is blatant, and seems to be done at the expense of the patient…or client, to use the current euphemism for people in distress who are at your mercy! A hospital stay of four days, announced before the procedure, suddenly becomes three because the Unit closes for the weekend (to save money), and if you are sick enough (ie at death's door), they will transfer you to another unit. The first day at home (really the fourth day of hospital needs) is miserable because it is clear that you continue to need hat only the hospital can provide.
Staffing in ER is another obvious place to save money. The local hospital has two staff on in ER at night, with up to ten"clients" is EZ boy chairs around the halls, in cubby holes and corners. All examining rooms are full by midnight, and new patients are examined on the fly. The two staff are simply running, holding crises, minor and major, at bay until the end of their shift. Apart from the lack of privacy, and absence of a caring presence, there is always the weird woman who talks on her cell phone in ear shattering stage whisper about some body's breast tumour!
My current experience was of a night in an examining room, made as comfortable as possible with warm blankets and soft light provided by a X-ray reader on the wall.Staff were not around all night, but I did sleep a bit. All this because to admit me would commit the institution to bed care, and take money from a nursing budget. Dollars again. Freely, but surreptitiously acknowledged by the staff, who carry the burden an take the flak. No wonder they have those stern posters all over the waiting room about the 'Consequences of Abusing Staff,' ranging from banishment to the end of the line (surely a calming gesture) to arrest and expulsion. Like…take your misery somewhere else,where someone will actually care! Well, no one ever says that, but the posters do, and they keep even the most frustrate patient silent and fuming. Good for the blood pressure and gastric juices, I'm sure. Good for the prayer life as well, if you are so inclined: "O God, I hope they come soon…" Or, "How long will this hell last? And what have I done to deserve this?" Non prayers shrug on a jacket over their all-access gown and step out into a) rain, b) snow, c)wind, d) -27°. This IS Alberta after all, and not South Carolina!
Opposition parties in Alberta are always bleating about the money the government is wasting on health care, or rather IN health care. I can tell you, it isn't at the level of 'here i come through the door in deep distress, scared out of my wits and needing comfort and an ear as much or more than a pill and catheter…although a catheter that worked was nice in my case.
I did not reflect on God today. I FELT that God was far away in theological terms, and very IMMANENT in young bodies and brains that actually cared about me, and discussed running while trying insert a BIGGER catheter! (As what a "20" i the next time you are in ER. It will put your stress in perspective.
I was treated very well by the people I came in contact with. They talked to me, they listened to me, they treated me like the human I am, and they did their best. Of course, being me (some of you will understand and appreciate that caveat), I harboured all the potential worse case scenarios possible, and I had my secret weapon if I was pushed to the proverbial wall: "I worked with Chris Eagle years ago!" Dr. Chris Eagle is the Top Banana of Alberta Health. We were on an Ethics committee together int he 90's. Like, he'll remember me like a brother, right? Ad will want "something done"! Even though the latest Alberta scandal has to do with hotshots jumping the cue.I hug this weapon that I could never, and would never use. But it helps keep my sense of agency in place. "Just push me too far, Doc, or I'll lower the boom an ya!"
In the end ( so far) I have come aw wit great appreciation for nursing skills in the grotty areas of bodily care, and at my own incompetence here, as well as my terror of uncontrolled body functions not doing hat i want them to do. When I finish this I am going to write tho that self-same Chris Eagle and comment "my" nurses in Wetaskiwin by name and give them the plaudits they deserve. The crap I'm sure they hear regularly.
Well, it is after midnight - another day is upon us - and I haven't slept in this one yet. My catheter appears to be working, so I crash. Day one of Humility 101 is over. Day two could begin at any time!
No comments:
Post a Comment